Ahhh yes, the D-List. I know it all too well. What does it take to get off the D-List? Well, it depends which D-List you are on. Yes, my friends, there is more than one D-List. Mine is DIVORCE. Oh so many Divorces and not enough quality marriages.
I have heard so many different "excuses" for remaining in a marriage that is detrimental. I have used them all, myself at one time or another. The following are some great examples:
1. "I stay for the sake of the children".
Ha!! What a cop out. And just what favor are you doing for these children when they see and hear all that is going on? No matter what you say to them, they live by example, and no matter what you think, they DO know what is going on. If they see abuse, then there is a really good chance they will either become an abuser, or allow themselves to be abused. If they live with parents who do not communicate with one another, well, duh... These kids will most likely be as screwed up as their parents, and not understand why.
2. "He/she really is a good man/woman. They just haven't grown up yet. They just need time".
A marriage is suppose to be a partnership, 50/50. Don't you have your hands full enough with the children you bore or adopted? What the hell are you doing married to an adult child? Damn, you must be either a glutton for punishment, or really like the role of caretaker. Several years after dad passed away, I asked my mom if she thought she would ever get married again. She simply told me, "I'm not ready to pick up men's underwear again." Words of wisdom that I never forgot, and live by today. If someone is not "grown up" by the time they have their own children, then chances are, they never will. By "grown up" I mean being responsible as a parent and a partner. We all have a child within who likes to come out to play now and then, and that is a good thing, but there is a time and a place. Those who are in this kind of marriage, know who they are.
3. "He/she is a good provider. I don't know what I'd do without him/her".
OK, normally when you hear this, it is usually a sign of insecurity. Seldom is there real love left for your partner (if there ever was). Either you feel you cannot make it on your own for a number of reasons, or you are in the mindset that no one else will want you. Anyone... I mean ANYONE can make it without a man or woman. One does not NEED another person to complete them as a human being. If there is someone in your life, it should be because you WANT them there, not because you feel you NEED them. There are too many place where one can get help in order to become independent. Yes, you may have to wait a while to get out of the relationship if you choose to go back to school for a better education, if your partner allows it. But in the mean time, you have a goal, a purpose to look forward to. This will also build up your self-esteem, which in turn, will help you to decide what is best for YOU, and if you have children, for them as well.
4. "I'm afraid of my partner. He/she will kill me or take my children away from me if I leave. My partner would never allow me to go back to school."
This is the most volatile of all the situations. Most individuals in this sort of a relationship do not share what is going on inside their home for fear of their partner finding out, are afraid of what people might think of them for allowing this behavior and/or they deserve how their partner treats them. Let me tell you this right off the bat, YOU HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS ABUSE. There is NO excuse for abuse. It is your partners stuff, not yours. He/she works very hard at making you believe you deserve the abuse. You are NOT nothing. You are a person who made a poor choice in a partner. Chances are, your partner was kind, attentive and overly protective at the beginning of your relationship. These kind of individuals know how to manipulate people, and will say whatever they think someone needs to hear to lure them in. It is usually a gradual thing until they have you believing you are the source of the problem, and you deserve whatever they hand out to you, and your kids (if you have any). Forget going back to school if you are with one of these kind of people. The last thing they want is for you to be around others. After all, you may see that your life is not normal. They do not want you to better yourself, either. He/she knows that knowledge is a dangerous thing for their partner. They need to keep your low self-esteem in check by keeping you "stupid".
THERE IS HOPE. Go and stay with someone who can keep you and your children safe. Get a Protection from Abuse Order against your abuser. No matter what, do not have contact with your abuser after you leave. Do not allow your kids to have contact with the abuser, because they may let he/she know where you are. After you have left, explain to your children why you are doing this, and why it is important that they not have contact with the abuser. Do not leave them out of the loop. They need to know. They deserve to know. A pattern needs to be broken here. By leaving your abuser, not going back, seeking councelling for you and the kids, and educating your children on this matter, you are taking a step in the right direction. Do you want your daughter or son to grow up only to be abused by their partner? If you don't get help, it is most likely to happen.
There are women's shelters for the women and any children she many have. These shelters will help you in anyway they can to help you get out of this nasty situation. They will take you where you need to go. They have advocates who will go to court with you. Help you find housing, work and transportation, if you need it. These women can identify with your situation, because they too, have gone through it or something similar. They will empower you, and that is the key here, EMPOWERMENT of yourself. They will go with you to the courthouse to get a Protection from Abuse Order (POA) against your abuser. The Woman's Shelter most likely will be in an area that your abuser cannot find.
Remember, your sole purpose is to protect your kids and yourself. To find a shelter, call your local Police or Sheriff's Department to get the phone number, or to have someone from the shelter call you. If they don't have it, call your local Department of Child Services for the info. Never, EVER tell your partner what you are planning, or even if you are just thinking about it. Do not share with your kids what you are doing, until you are all safe, because they may tell your partner. If your partner finds out, they will find a way to prevent you from leaving... or worse. Just think of the people who have killed their partners, and even their kids, just to keep them from leaving. DO NOT underestimate the lengths an abuser will go through to keep their family intact and under their thumb. After all, your abuser has put a lot of time and effort into training you and your children, and does not want the family secret to get out. This is a very REAL threat for you and your kids. PLEASE, use caution and say nothing to anyone who knows your partner, just to be on the safe side.
On the net info:
http://www.angelsthatcare.org/index.html
http://www.geocities.com/wordcharmer101/survivorlinks.html
http://ask.hrsa.gov/exit.cfm?address=http://www.freshstartseminars.org
http://ask.hrsa.gov/exit.cfm?address=http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/ovcres/welcome.html
http://www.rainbows.org/
http://ask.hrsa.gov/ResourceList.cfm?start=All
http://d.webring.com/hub?ring=abuse30
http://www.hrsa.gov/
Are your children being bullied? The following website is for them, and you, on how to deal with these "Bullies".
http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/
Being a survivor of all of the above "excuses" for staying in a marriage, gives me a heads-up on the subject. Some people do not like the word "divorce", and feel they will be a failure if they go through one. Been there, done that, too. As a survivor, let me tell you, that it matters not how many times you have been married, divorced or even in a relationship. One needs to look at the bigger picture.
Sometimes it isn't about you, but others around you. Denial is denial, no matter whether it is you, your partner, family and/or friend(s), who is in it. Sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone in order to better our lives. Easy? Not in the least. But in your head and in your soul, you know what is the next right thing to do. If you are in a position where family and individual counselling is not an option in your relationship, stop being a doormat. Swallow your pride (if you have any left). Everyone has choices. There is always help if you look for it and really want it. You need only to ask.
Even today, after all these years, I still have to continually remind myself, that in order to be walked on, I have to lie down first. It is so important that I take responsibility for my part in any negative situation I place myself in. But it does not mean I have to stay there. Forgiving of self is vital. Then I am able to forgive others.
I really don't mind, these days, for being on the D-List a few times. Indeed, my reasons for my marriages and divorces make so much sense to me now. I am not the same person I was during those given times. I have learned so much about me through each experience. For without going down the path that I have in my life, I would not be who I am today. I am independent and I now know who I am. I could not say that a few years ago. Growing emotionally, mentally and spiritually is my life. If I do not share who I am with others, no matter how stupid or senseless the event was or is, so that some individuals may learn from it, then I have no business being here.
Next post I will try to make lighter in nature, but no promises. I am here to pass on what I have learned from my life experiences.
Pay it Forward.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
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