Here We Grow Again - 01/15/2006

Here we grow again????

　
01/15/06 - It's been a while, but here I am again.
I would love to tell you that my life is all "buttoned up and beautiful" ( a little cliche I picked up from one of my favorite movies, A Home Of Our Own). But, life happens, and I happen to be right in the middle of it. So, I try to flow with the traffic, as long as it isn't going down hill for very long.

Maxine has the right idea, but she is very crude. She is always right on target, but has absolutely no tact whatsoever. Maybe that is why I like her. She just doesn't give a shit, and doesn't care who knows it. I am not anything like Maxine, at least I don't think so. I'd like to believe I have found my middle ground. I call it assertiveness.

Sometimes I think I am not assertive enough. I'd like to think that most people can figure out on their own, when something is amiss in a relationship, after a while, especially after seeing them grow spiritually over the years. I know I have that little voice inside me that tells me when I need to make amends. There are also those times when I know I am being abused by someone. Sometimes I speak right up, and other times I don't. I sometimes let it go, because I feel it is part of their path, and it is up to the individual to acknowledge what they are doing. I am not talking about physical abuse, but mental and emotional. Or maybe I let it go because of my own fear of abandonment.

I know in the past, this was one of my worst fears. Maybe it is one I have not let go of yet. Maybe it is why I don't date, the fear of getting involved, which in turn could place me in the position of being abandoned again.

I have isolated myself for so long, not mingling with the outside world, and not taking care of myself as I should. I did not want to be attracted to, or appear attractive to the male species. As soon as my mind would go any further than today, I would go into the "what if's", and immediately send up those walls and shut myself up again in my safe little hovel at home, the phone and the internet being my only source to the outside world..... and, how easy is it to say "no" over the phone and over the computer. I am safe here, where my little world can stand still, and I don't have to think about tomorrow.

Ok, time for me to work on this fear of abandonment. I know it is no one's fault if they die, and two of my biggest issues lie with my dad, Francis, and my beloved, Kal, both who passed away. My abandonment issues obviously started many, many years ago, but these are the two who haunt me the most.

Odd, isn't it? How we can start talking about one thing, and end up figuring out something else? At least, that is usually how it is with us women. But in the interim, it still all melds together.

Don't even get me started on Trust. And I KNOW there are plenty of you out there who know what I am talking about, both female and male.

Thanks for listening....